Confession
by vogonsoup
Summary: Phil makes a confession can the fan base understand what he's asking of them. He's falling apart and needs help. I own no one mentioned in this fiction by the names used here or any other name. This fiction is fiction


I took a big gulp of Malibu, it didn't help one little bit that it was his drink but it was in the cupboard staring at me and I needed some courage. At least when it was finished it would be another thing of his out of my sight. This was going to be the hardest video I've ever made, but I guess it's time I came clean, then maybe it would stop. PJ had a heart to heart with me earlier in the week and he was right, honesty where possible is the best policy.

I hoped my eyes didn't look too small, that was the only give away that I'd been crying on and off all week. The makeup that Bryony had helped with me hid the worst of the redness but it couldn't help with the way my eyes looked smaller because of the puffiness, or the tiredness that even I could see creeping through my smile. PJ fiddled with the camera one last time and gave me a reassuring smile as he pressed record.

I settled myself in front of the camera, and waved "Hi guys" I gulped almost chickening out right there and then, but I fiddled with my hair to cover my nervousness

"I know you've seen the title of this video and I hope you're not too disappointed when I tell you that this probably isn't the confession a lot of you were hoping for"

Phil paused, a tiny sigh escaping him before taking another deep breath and continuing.

"I wonder how many of you have been in love?"

5 Days Earlier at Chris's

"I needed this Chris, thanks for asking me over we don't get much of a chance to just chill and chat these days"

"Don't sweat it mate, Peej has been nagging me to get you over for weeks, sorry it's taken so long to find a day when we could all make it"

I felt comfortable for the first time in weeks. Since Dan had betrayed me nothing had seemed real, I felt as if I was drifting through some kind of alternate reality where I was played by a cyborg. Of course conversation was bound to turn to what had happened, I hadn't felt able to talk to anyone about it until now, it was just too raw.

"it seems strange to me though Peej, they are our hardcore 'fans', my hardcore 'fans' why can't they see how much it hurts me. They watch me so closely, every nuance, and they're good at reading me too. So how come they can't see the pain in me. The despair in my eyes when I look at him, I see it myself when I catch our newer videos and radio shows. Even when I'm trying my hardest to hide it the hurt comes through in little flickers, small expressions here and there. I'm just dying inside and no one notices or cares"

"Jesus Phil, I'm so sorry, I wish me and Chris had dragged you over ages ago, you should have told us how you were feeling. We know things are bad, but you were so 'together' we thought that's how you were coping with it"

PJ and Chris moved together to sit next to Phil on the sofa and without thinking wrapped their arms around him. "You never have to be alone Phil, you know that. That bastard doesn't deserve you!" Chris's voice was tight with anger.

"I'm coping somehow with having to see Dan every day. I can't not see him our careers are so intertwined and doing well that I can't just walk away from it all...can I? Maybe I should. We're trying to unravel our lives slowly, but it'll take time, our subscribers and watchers have noticed that we're drawing apart. Separating our lives is so hard guys, I still love him but we have to go our separate ways, because being with him every day and knowing that he doesn't love me anymore is killing me a little bit more every second."

"Can't they see the signs Peej? I need to purge I can manage to stay platonic friends with him while I have to, if only the past wasn't dredged up and shoved in my face every time I go online. If I pretend the past didn't happen... just for now... perhaps I can get through this."

Tears were starting to fall now, sad little rivers of emotion cutting gullies in the soft skin of the sweetest person Chris and PJ knew.

"Perhaps if you told them Phil they might help you? I'm sure they would understand. There may be some crazies who would be mean about it, thinking they are standing up for Dan, but the people who matter will know the truth"

I had considered this aspect, if I blamed Dan for what happened then I was going to get some backlash, even if it was only a bit. What else could I say I'd loved him with all my heart and he crushed it like a bug, it was his fault.

"We love Dan too, it hurts us that this has happened and we'll always be friends to both of you but for now he can go fuck himself" PJ's voice sounded harsh even though I think he was trying to be rational. "He shouldn't have treated you the way he did, letting you find out just by carrying on as if you weren't a couple without explaining to you was almost unforgivable. He may be behaving like a selfish prick right now but he still loves you even if it's only as a friend, and I'm sure he won't let his side of the fandom be mean to you."

I know PJ was trying to be comforting but hearing those words 'even if it's just as a friend' made it all more real, the words cut like razors drawn across my wrists. I'm embarrassed to say that I couldn't talk for a long while. I just lay in their arms sobbing until my whole body ached and my head throbbed. Chris wasn't quite as understanding and fair as PJ at the moment. He just wanted to throttle Dan. I think I needed someone to be like that for me at the moment, thinking of sweet Dan rather than Dan the bastard was too hard. I needed to hate him right now.

"Have none of them been in love Peej? I know most of them are young, but there must be some older ones that can recognise the signs of a rough break up. It's on t.v. enough, women cutting their exes out of photographs, destroying their wedding pics and stuff. Do they know me so little that they can't recognise it in me and empathise."

I wanted as few reminders of when we were so ecstatically in love we couldn't hide it cropping up and opening the wounds as possible.

Chris was making tea now that I'd stopped crying. He said I had to rehydrate before I turned to dust. Pj brushed my wet hair out of my eyes, and dried my face with a tissue.

"Phil tell them...the ones who love you, and I'm sure that's most of them, will get it straight away. The ones who don't the others will jump on. Let them know they were right, that you and Dan were a couple all along, they'll respect you for it. It won't solve the problem, but it will get it off your chest, and I'm sure it will help. Chris and I will be there for you. If you like I'll sleep on the couch for as long as you need me. So you'll always have someone to be there when things get too hard to deal with." PJ had been my friend longer than the others and he was still there for me now, a truly great friend. "OK Peej I'll do it, will you help me film it? If I do it on my own I'll end up not uploading it or something"

Dan's pov

Dan sat at the table in his new girlfriend's flat, he was staying over for a couple of days. He was still living with Phil for now old habits die hard, they were still best friends, weren't they? He even still loved Phil but as a soul buddy. Jen was out at the moment so he opened his laptop using the opportunity to watch the video in private. Twitter, tumblr, and it seemed the whole internet was buzzing about it right now but he hadn't had a chance to watch it yet.

Amazingphil 'Confession'

Phil looked so vulnerable, Dan could see his eyes filling up several times as he spoke and it broke his heart to think he had done that to his best friend and first true love, but he couldn't lie to Phil, he was young and changing every day. He wanted to sow more wild oats and couldn't settle down the way Phil wanted to yet.

The video was winding down it had been a hard watch, and Phil was finishing his explanation

"So I'm 'hiding' my most personal videos, the ones that remind me of what I was before him, of what we had after we met. Even if they don't seem to relate to him there is something in them that is special to me and makes my heart sad.

I'm hiding the videos and pictures and tweets that brought joy to my heart.  
I'm hiding the videos that made me smile.  
I'm hiding the videos that are breaking my heart.  
I'm hiding the videos from ME.

Putting them in a folder and not taking them out until I can breath again. So please if you care about me, even a little bit. Simply as a fellow human being not even as anyone you might admire. Just as a person in pain, please please don't keep posting my private things. I'm not hiding them from you, I'm glad they give you pleasure, but when I look at my Tumblr or anything to do with my name for work there they are. You try to hide them, most of you are really nice and just want to see all our stuff, but sometimes people take them and share them outside the community and they end up in my face. When I see one of those triggering pieces it just makes me want to die. So please give me time, let me heal and I'll see how I feel about them then.

Dan's face was slack with sadness, poor Phil how could he do this to him. Perhaps he did love him, but for now he couldn't go back, he needed time to think himself. He had a girlfriend and he was having a great time with her. Perhaps he'd go running back to Phil one day soon, perhaps Phil would take him back perhaps he wouldn't. For now he had to rally around his friend and make sure no one harmed a virtual hair on his head just for being so brave as to come out, and ask for help all in the same video.


End file.
